Gage Skidmore; Photo illustration by John Lyman



Ron DeSantis says Flowers are the Real Threat to Children and Proposes Ban

Ron DeSantis, the governor of Florida, recently learned that flowers are the sex organs of the plant kingdom and is pushing for legislation to ban all flowers and flowering plants from the Sunshine State. “Good Christians should not allow their children to see nature’s sex organs and I’m going to stop it,” DeSantis said while crushing a dozen roses beneath his foot at a recent press conference. Republican lawmakers from Oklahoma, Kentucky, Alabama, and Mississippi plan on following DeSantis in trying to ban all flowers and flowering plants from their states.

When asked about orange production, one of Florida’s premier crops, DeSantis responded, “I’ve always hated orange trees and their sweet-smelling sex organs — their days are numbered in our great state of Florida.” No agriculture expert at any of Florida’s state-funded schools would comment on this story for fear of having their funding cut or being terminated. However, Professor Pipik from the University of Arizona, College of Agriculture and Life Sciences said that the majority of crops are flowering plants and eliminating them would lead to food shortages. When asked about this, DeSantis said he’s not worried since most Americans are obese and could use less food.

The Florida State Floral Association refused to comment for this story.