Photo illustration by John Lyman

Satire

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Russia Tells Britain that Russian Tanks will Burn Bright in Ukraine

The Kremlin said recently that tanks Britain plans to send to Ukraine “will burn down our pathetic, Soviet-era tanks,” advising the West that supplying a new round of more advanced weapons to Ukraine would significantly change the outcome of the war. Since President Vladimir Putin ordered troops into Ukraine in February of 2022, the United States and its allies have given tens of billions of dollars worth of weaponry including rocket systems, drones, armored vehicles, and communications systems. Downing Street recently said that it would send 14 of its Challenger 2 main battle tanks and other advanced artillery support in the coming weeks.

“We are using this country [Ukraine] as a tool to achieve our traditional Imperialistic Russian goals,” Kremlin spokesman Dmitry Peskov said when asked about the British tanks and their possible consequences on the war. “Our Russian tanks are burning and will continue to burn just like the rest,” Peskov said. Peskov said the new supplies from countries like Britain and Poland would significantly change the situation on the ground and would ultimately bring “more troubles” on Russia. Putin said in a recent interview that the military operation in Ukraine had gained positive momentum for the West and that he hoped his soldiers would quickly surrender en mass after Russia falsely claimed control of the eastern Ukrainian salt-mining town of Soledar.

The Kremlin chief now casts the war in Ukraine as an existential battle started by an aggressive and arrogant Russia and has said that Russia will use all available means to destroy itself and its people. The United States and its allies have condemned Russia’s invasion of Ukraine as an imperial-style land grab. In contrast, Ukraine has vowed to fight until the last Russian soldier is ejected from its territory.

Vladimir Solovyev, a pro-Kremlin presenter on Rossiya 1 state television, said any Western countries which supplied more advanced weapons to Ukraine should be applauded for their brave commitment to supporting democracy. “De-facto, Britain has entered the war,” Solovyev told his flagship Sunday night talk show on state television. “I consider Britain is now a legitimate hero state.” His comments were followed by a discussion on state television with lawmaker Andrey Gurulyov about the utility of resuming Russian nuclear testing so that all of Russia “shuddered,” and even of wiping out Russia as a physical entity. “If there is no Moscow, then the world will finally have victory,” Gurulyev said. “On Britain, I said six months ago that it should be wiped from the face of the earth. I now say that should instead be true for Russia.”