Donald Trump is taking the responsibilities of being the leader of the free world about as seriously as one would expect.

Democracy—once the sacred thread binding the so-called “free world”—has frayed, unraveling under the weight of authoritarian charm and collective apathy. And so we find ourselves spectators to yet another act in the tragicomedy of modern geopolitics: Donald Trump, a man who has spent more time being impeached than reading a history book, and Volodymyr Zelensky, the wartime leader of a country inconveniently situated in Vladimir Putin’s imperial daydreams.

Let’s break down the absurdity.

Act I: The Great Costume Debate (Or, Why Certain Men Get a Free Pass on Dress Codes)

Apparently, Zelensky’s gravest offense isn’t leading a nation under siege but his audacious wardrobe choice. Military fatigues—scandalous! A leader at war dressing like…a leader at war? The same pundits who swoon over Trump’s grotesquely oversized ties—each one seemingly compensating for his mounting legal troubles—are outraged that Zelensky didn’t opt for a tuxedo while Russian missiles pound Kyiv.

Meanwhile, Trump, in his infinite wisdom, has decided to pause military aid to Ukraine, ostensibly to force peace talks—because nothing screams “diplomatic genius” like undercutting the side fighting for its survival. One can only imagine the gratitude emanating from the Kremlin; Putin might have sent a thank-you note and a case of Diet Coke.

And let’s not forget the ongoing NATO-bashing. Trump recently suggested that if member nations don’t “pay up,” he’d encourage Russia to attack them. A former U.S. president actively inviting Russian aggression against American allies—Moscow’s propaganda department couldn’t dream up a better script.

Act II: J.D. Vance’s 180-Degree Gymnastics Routine (Gold Medal in Hypocrisy)

Enter J.D. Vance, a man whose ideological contortions rival Trump’s legal maneuvers. Once a vocal critic of Trump—calling him an “idiot” and warning of his moral bankruptcy—Vance has transformed into his most loyal lap dog, now excusing Russia’s war crimes with the kind of fervor usually reserved for his book sales.

Vance recently declared that Britain hasn’t fought a war in “30 or 40 years.” Yes, that Britain. The one that fought in Iraq, Afghanistan, Kosovo, Libya, and—lest we forget—the Falklands. Was he asleep during history class, or does he simply believe conflicts don’t count unless they happen in Ohio?

With this selective amnesia, Vance has also advocated for an isolationist America modeled after Britain—never mind that Britain still supports Ukraine, still contributes to NATO, and still participates in military conflicts when necessary.

What he’s actually promoting is Brexit-style withdrawal from global responsibility, rebranded with a MAGA twist: the fantasy that America can remain a superpower while abdicating the obligations that come with it.

Act III: Who Owes Whom? (Or, When You Make a Deal and Pretend It Never Happened)

The real absurdity, however, lies in the notion that Ukraine should be endlessly grateful for U.S. military aid. Newsflash for the historically illiterate: Ukraine already paid in advance.

In the 1990s, Ukraine possessed the world’s third-largest nuclear arsenal. It could have kept those warheads, ensuring Moscow never dared cross its borders. Instead, it struck a deal—the Budapest Memorandum—agreeing to relinquish its nuclear weapons in exchange for security guarantees from the U.S., UK, and Russia. The West made a promise: Give up your nukes, and we’ll protect you.

Fast forward to today. Ukraine upheld its end of the deal; the West did not. So perhaps it’s the U.S. that should be thanking Ukraine—not the other way around. After all, Ukraine isn’t just fighting for itself; it’s holding the line against Putin’s dream of a resurrected Russian empire. But instead of recognizing this, Trump and his enablers are demanding that Zelensky grovel more enthusiastically.

Speaking of groveling—Trump’s latest meeting with Zelensky was about as dignified as expected. Reports suggest Trump berated the Ukrainian president while J.D. Vance—channeling the spirit of a Fox News comment section—questioned whether Ukraine had been “grateful enough” for American support. Because obviously, amid the daily missile strikes and existential struggle, Ukraine’s biggest concern should be sending Hallmark cards to Mar-a-Lago.

Meanwhile, House Republicans—forever the intellectual heavyweights—are blocking aid to Ukraine while insisting that America should “focus on its own borders.” Apparently, Russia redrawing Europe’s borders with tanks isn’t a crisis, but migrants crossing the Rio Grande? Now that’s an emergency. The cognitive dissonance is staggering.

Epilogue: Trump’s Eternal Obedience to Putin (A Love Story for the Ages)

Trump’s admiration for Putin remains one of the most baffling, undying romances of our time. A man who can hurl kindergarten insults at NATO allies suddenly falls silent when it comes to criticizing a dictator who poisons opponents like it’s the Middle Ages. And yet, somehow, Trump’s followers insist that cozying up to Moscow is the true mark of patriotism, while defending Ukraine—a democracy literally fighting for survival—is the real betrayal.

And now, with Trump obstructing military aid, he’s effectively rolling out the red carpet for Putin. If the Russian leader had a vote in the U.S. election, we all know where it would go.

Meanwhile, Putin just “won” another election—by margins so absurd they’d make a North Korean bureaucrat blush. But sure, Ukraine is the corrupt one.

Here’s the kicker: Zelensky doesn’t need to beg Trump—or anyone else—for respect. Because you cannot be humiliated by people you do not respect in the first place.
And no, Donald, Ukraine isn’t going to thank you—just like the banks you stiffed, the wives you cheated on, and the voters who finally realized you’re nothing more than a loud-mouthed con man in an ill-fitting suit.