Help Wanted: 2020 Presidential Candidate
Apply to Democratic National Committee, Washington, DC
Applicants should be:
Height: 6-3 Weight: low-200s Eyes: Blue
Strongly built, athletic, ruggedly handsome, but no pretty boy. Moderately macho. Sharp mind and even sharper tongue.
Background: Lower middle class, father a factory worker, mother a sales clerk. Served four years in military. Attended his state college on GI Bill, majored in engineering. No advanced degree or Ivy League connections. Grew up in a small town in the Midwest, South or intermountain West.
Built a modestly successful small business from scratch, then got into politics. Elected governor of his state, served one four year term. Married, two children, met wife in college, she works outside home. Religion-Lutheran. Politics-leans slightly left but is not predictably liberal. Known as a pragmatist by his admirers; a populist or maverick by his detractors.
The job: Attack President Trump viciously, keep him always on the defensive. Intimidate him physically in face to face debates. Call him a pantywaist and a spoiled bratty little rich boy. Mock his lavish lifestyle and his eye candy babes. Make a pitch for his supporters by taking an occasional bash at “Progressive” sacred cows like free college tuition and organically grown pumpkins. Spend time campaigning in white, poor, working-class neighborhoods, African American neighborhoods, Hispanic and Asian neighborhoods. Avoid college campuses and comfortable middle class neighborhoods, they’ll vote you anyhow considering the alternative. Don’t use liberal buzzwords like “disadvantaged,” “inclusiveness” and “unacceptable.” Go to church every Sunday while on campaign trail, a different denomination each time.
A note to recruiters: This vacancy will be hard to fill. There may not be such a beast as this lurking out there in the political jungle, and even if there is he may not be a Democrat. Do the best you can with it. We don’t expect you to meet all the requirements.